Things were bad. I couldn’t stand anything anymore, except, of course, the floor. But even that I couldn’t stand. I could only stand on it. I felt as if I couldn’t trust anyone, least of all myself. This is where my story begins.


Edited by Egbert Fishbone

Things commenced when they began. Began means something started. Kind of like “Start something... special. Alero. By Oldsmobile” Do you know this commercial? Even if you don’t, I do, and that’s all that matters in the game of life ( or Life, depending upon your own point of view). But anyways, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by myself as I wandered onto another train of thought... have you ever thought about a quote that I have just created about trains of thought? You haven’t? Well, then, let me set the record straight. Some people wander onto other trains of thought before the train has begun moving. Others may jump on in the middle, and therefore fall off soon after. How was that for a quote? Not so good, huh. Maybe I am not so good at quote thinking-upping. Maybe I am destined for greater things. Maybe I will become a pig farmer somewhere in Nebraska. Maybe I will become a floor scrubber in the State Penitentiary in New Hampshire, or maybe, this is way beyond my wildest dreams, I could become a border guard posted at a movie theatre at the border between Poland and Lithuania. Heck, that job is way beyond my wildest nightmares, never mind my dreams.

They say the farther a hard, unripe, moldy, worm infested cherry falls, the farther into the ground it will be when it finally reaches Earth. I tried that with Boris Yeltsin’s nose. Off the Sears Tower he went, and, guess what? The darned thing went into the ground in Saudi Arabia so far that it struck oil, natural gas, gasoline, coal, diamonds, and the human race finally found out what the centre of the Earth is like. In one word the answer is ‘HOT’ Very, very hot. I think you do not wish to go down there. I think you would expire quite quickly.

We at Muddled Ones, Inc. have a confession to make. We confess that the confession that we lately made to confess that the confession that we just made was not a real confession at all, but only a confession to confess that the confession was confessedly inaccurate. We confess that we have not apologised to the confession that we have so recently confessed that was not true, so, at this instant, we shall apologise. SORRY.

Well, that being said, I think we should move on to grander and greater things that have, themselves, moved on to greater and grander things etc. etc., so on and so forth. So, although the greater and grander things have themselves graduated on, we are still moving on to greater and grander things. Have you ever thought about the fact that, if evolution is correct, humans at this stage will always be around? If we evolved from monkeys, then wouldn’t the present day monkeys evolve again into humans? A question to ponder. Hmmm. Hmmm.

O.K. Pondering time is over. Let’s have loads of fun by taking a bubble bath! Aren’t bubble baths; well, bubbly? I like bubble baths so much that they are my number one thing to do except to eat pork!! Pork is the best thing ever since the discovery of porkwhich has never been rivaled except for the invention of the spork which is used to eat the pork which is the createst discovery since the spork. The spork is an interesting utensil. It spends all day in a disposable package until dinnertime when it is used to eat things like pork and turkey and chicken.

Have you ever had the feeling that what is around you is non-existent? Have you ever felt that you are the only living thing on Earth, and sometimes you dispute whether Earth is even real? If you have, you are not alone (even if you sometimes feel alone). You need professional help. This help is available for only 78 non-existent dollars. That’s right! 78 dollars. You get 1 on 1 counseling, a place to sleep if your spouse or family have ejected you from your home, and, if you call now, you get an “I have conquered my fear about being the only person in the entire world” T-shirt absolutely free! The shirt is such a great deal because if it were being offered anywhere else, the custo- I mean patient service programs would cost extra. This is the only place where this is being offered! Act now, and recieve a Ronco Food Dehydrator absolutely free! That’s no payments, no interest until 1977; uh, I mean 2000! Oops! I mean no payments, no interest on this great T-shirt and Food Dehydrator ever! I mean for all eternity! That’s zilch to pay for these items for all time! ( The actual program costs $5,469,001.55. Some assembly required for the Dehydrator. Mucho assembly required. Food and dehydrator sold separately. T-shirt not included.) Just call this handy number! 555-0147

That little spiel over with, it is time to say farewell from Muddled Ones, Inc. We are not in any way affiliated with any communist organisation, nor do we have any plans to in the near future. In the far future, however, who can say?


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This webpage was authored by Andrew Squires and added to the web November 24, 1999.